No one likes panic attacks

I don’t think it is crazy to be scared of panic attacks. Being scared of panic seems like a reasonable thing to do.

I am a big believer that emotions should be respected and honoured. The epidemic of modern society is that it glorifies happiness too much and that I think is why everyone is depressed.

I wrote a poem when I turned 28 in the mountains in Colorado sitting by a bonfire with two of my best friends from that time (I lost both to anxiety and depression, mine and theirs)

Comedy and tragedy are like sweet and sour
Your palates crave both
And so does your heart swinging from
a sad moment to a happy one

I just think it makes sense we expand our hearts a bit and encourage all emotions to flow through. Also Carl Jung made it very clear:

“Until you bring it out of the dark, your shadow will run your life and you will call it destiny”

See there is just no way around it, suppressing emotions is suppressing parts of yourself that are just as important and essential to your being as much as the happiness tyrants that run your day (the dopamine receptors that have an override switch over your behaviour and control you to drink that coke and smoke that cigarette no matter what)

What do you do when you wake up one day and a panic attack hits you? What do you do when that same experience repeats? When the only break you ever get between panic attacks is recovery from them?

You turn to drugs at first. Hoping you can find coping in alcohol. Maybe smoking. Maybe overeating. Maybe a little bit of porn. hey, there is a big trend for psychedelic healing. How about that? An acid trip with some techno could change the mood and offer perspective.

You still get panic attacks. You get them right as you consume coping drugs. Bad trips become a theme. Guilt and shame take over the fun you used to have while drinking. Anxiety takes over and sleep becomes distant. Panic attacks keep on hitting.

Do you need to quit your job? do you need to change your life? Do you need to jump in front of a six-wheeler rushing on a highway and end your life? Why does this image of a gun pointed to your head keep popping up in your mind?

You turn to a therapist. You turn to a therapist because what else would you do? Therapists love panic attacks. You know what else they love? Consuming your paycheck. They love billing you. They make it always your problem. they are excellent at making you stay with them for just a little longer.

The last therapist I worked with spoke with pride of the many years he has spent in therapy. Why is that a source of pride? This guy was utterly confused. He was creative though. He was creative at inventing problems I didn't have. He would act surprised every time we came back to my experience of panic attacks. Did he forget this is why I approached him?

Of all the people I know in my life, I could speak to any of them when they have a minute. He is the only person that asks me for money in exchange for just a conversation. And he had trust issues like deep ones. He wanted to be the soft cushion for me. Anyone and anything that happens in my life is oh my god terrible how could that ever happen? That therapist was a drug. He gave me comfort. To his defence, I think he is too spiritually shallow I don't think he knew what he was doing. He is one of those EMDR-trained therapists who just know nothing about the psyche and everything about programming. They just follow protocols and they lack the soul. They lack the essence that is very human. They are robots.

I think I get panic attacks because I deal with too many robots, unfortunately.

I want to be panic-free. I tell myself every morning I am ready for it to be over. I am ready for the panic to go away. But it just won't.